"Dear Zzap! I can't move my ship because I haven't got a joystick!"

Flurdle! In this section of the Xmas Chortles web site you will find out more about the three wacky "Xmas Chortles" audio tapes which went on to inspire "Xmas Chortles The Movie!" I'm basically going to listen to each tape in turn and while they are running type a brief history of each tape along with any other thoughts or musings about each tape which just happens to pop into my head at the time. But that's quite enough intro waffle. Lets take a peek at the FIRST ever Xmas Chortles audio tape.

(audio tape - running time approx 45 mins).

From a technical point of view the first Chortles outing is a big load of PANTS. Produced way back in 1989 the editing is, erm, haphazard and the contents are, erm, haphazard. This tape was obviously produced before I had found the correct formula for Chortling. The key to keeping the listener interested is VARIETY - which is something this tape lacks. I guess I was lacking quality material (and a decent range of CD's) when I put this one together ... :)

What you get on the 45 minute tape is mainly ME ranting on and emitting a variety of noises (not all of them vocal!) The tape is actually co-hosted by Richard 'Axe Hair' Harrison. There's also a few cameo appearances from some of the main Chortles chums - Matt, Phil (and even very brief appearences from Luke & Helen). The Commodore 64 also makes a variety of musical appearances throughout the tape. There's almost NO 'movie moments' or music from any other sources - although my Amstrad does make a small appearance and so does Mr Jarre!

It's ironic how I went on to make various better tapes ('More Gags', 'Gags Extended Mix' and 'A Tribute To Funny Tapes') but I always seemed to return to the 'Xmas Chortles' series in the end. It's the name that stuck basically, and once I had named my first MOVIE "Xmas Chortles" it was the one everyone remembered. Maybe it was destiny, maybe it was fate, maybe I'm just silly!

Techno Trivia:- All the funny tapes are produced on the F.A.R.T label which stands for the (F)abulous
(A)udio (R)ecording (T)eam. This name was originally devised by Richard "I'm a fried egg" Harrison.

If you would like to hear some snippets from the first Xmas Chortles tape then please download the Mp3. I know I haven't really been gushing with enthusiasm about Xmas Chortles 1 so far but the Mp3 *is* worth hearing. Why? Because it's a hyper-compressed-turbo-edit of the whole tape! All the best bits have been put together, the editing has been improved a millionfold and, more importantly, is now quite funny! Whereas the original audio tape plods along, this remix throws stuff at you at an alarming pace. The Mp3 took the best part of a day to sample and edit! This has really inspired to me release an audio CD which contains all the Xmas Chortles tapes remixed, digitally remastered and lovingly restored from all their original audio sources ... Maybe it will happen ... Who knows?!

Click HERE or on the tape below to download the 1.37mb
4 minute Mp3 hypermix of "Xmas Chortles 1".

My favourite moments from Xmas Chortles 1:-

Techno Trivia:- The 'Xmas Chortles 1' Mpeg file is the first AUDIO mixing I have done for a Chortles audio ONLY
project in around 8 years! I have not produced ANY audio funny tapes since I put together Xmas Chortles 3 in 1992!

(audio tape - running time just under 30 mins).

Now this is more like it! Armed with better editing equipment, more CD's, some great movies and much more material "Xmas Chortles 2" was released to an unsuspecting world in 1991. (During the festive season I do believe.) Using new found editing techniques which were honed during the production of tapes like 'A Tribute To Funny Tapes' this is an enjoyable 30 minutes of chaos from the Chortles team.

With the now established formula of having a variety of our gags interspersed with music and plenty of great film moments this tape is nicely paced and is much more varied than its prequel. You never know quite what to expect next with this tape and once you get familiar with its contents everyone seems to have different 'fave moments'.

The tape is introduced by myself complete with jingly christmas music in the background. The brief intro ends with "And here we have, UNCLE KEV!" This is followed by some HUGE farts from a rather flatulent uncle of mine! Hehe! Kev was to make lots of 'appearances' on the chortles tapes and his gigantic farts are always enhanced with much mirth and hilarity in the background.

The tape also reflects what sort of films were around at the time it was produced. There's audio snippets from Terminator, Ghostbusters, Back to the Future, the Star Wars movies, Predator and even Sheena! ("A warriors heart, a womans body"!)

As well as lots of crazy happenings providing by me and my chums there's also "The best C64 tunes of the entire decade", the "Art Show" (where we take a look at some great - and awful - C64 pics downloaded from Compunet) and even a "Farting competition" where a late entry from me caused a chortle or two apparently!

Techno Trivia:- In order to produce the "slowed down" speech and effects I used a trick which I discovered by accident. If you pressed the PLAY button on one of my tape decks only HALFWAY down it played the tape at TWICE the normal speed! Of course, if you pressed play AND record you would make the tape record twice of fast (which caused the recording to be twice as SLOW - if you see what I mean). Sometimes it also wobbled and distorted at the same time which sounded particularly amusing when recording farts and belches using this method.

The Mp3 of Xmas Chortles 2 features all the juicy bits from this great tape. I've stripped out all the lengthy bits of music and have beeped out all the swearing (of which there is plenty - Hehe!) Download it and enjoy!!

Click HERE or on the tape below to download the 1.36mb
4 minute Mp3 hypermix of "Xmas Chortles 2".

My favourite moments from Xmas Chortles 2:-

Techno Trivia:- The first version of "Xmas Chortles 2" was spread over two sides of a tape but was compressed and remixed onto
one side in 1991. I actually announce the "end" of the first side in the middle of the remixed tape which then just carries on. Odd!

(audio tape - running time just under 45 mins).

"This is the big one folks!" The grand finale in my range of audio funny tapes comes in the form of "Xmas Chortles 3" which was released in 1992. This is definitely the biggest and best funny tape out of all the tapes I produced and it features a veritable plethora of zany japes!

It opens with a nice flutey Amiga tune which is interrupted by a massive fart supplied by "Uncle Kev". I then appear to briefly introduce the tape before it speeds off into a mass of gags and farts!

A classic new character who appears in Xmas Chortles 3 is the Amiga speech synth! It claims to "know a really bad swear word" but before it can tell it to us it's interrupted by some LOUD harsh language courtesy of Phil. The Amiga then has a good laugh about this (Yep, I actually taught my Amiga to laugh for this gag!)

Techno-trivia:- Another amusing "Chortles" character is the bloke featured on audio tapes given away with "ACE" magazine. His line "for techno-buffs who are listening" is featured on both Xmas Chortles 2 & 3 and was responsible for the invention of "Techno-trivia". He also drones on about how to make music which I decided to plaster throughout the tape followed by *decent* music from my own collection!

The first half of "Xmas Chortles 3" features lots of assorted amusing moments all mixed together with assorted (superb) pieces of music and film snippets. The next section of the tape contains lots of material from visits to Lee's house. Highlights include us playing on his Dragon 32 ("Shocktrooper!"), having a big cushion fight ("Kenz was blinded by the great blobbling beanbag") and the War of the Planes ("The Death Dart at Mez!")

Techno-trivia:- After the "War of the Planes" we made a list of all the paper planes we made and
gave them a score. I then converted this onto the Amiga and the end result was the picture below.

The last part of the tape contains material recorded at Matt & Phils house. This includes the whoopee cushion noises, our 1991 New Year celebrations ("Matt has spuked in the toilet"), the "killer hankie" stuff and nicely mixed selection of old chortles at the end.

For the "Xmas Chortles 3" Mp3 I managed to record sections from the whole 45 minute tape and compress them into just 4 minutes. Obviously I had to lose a lot of great material from the original tape but I managed to keep most of my fave bits for the Mp3. Any pieces of music that are present on the tape have once again been greatly shortened and the swearing has been well and truly beeped. The end result of all my editing and mixing is a spanking gorgeous four minutes of fun featuring lots of fun and frolics from "Xmas Chortles 3".

Click HERE or on the tape below to download the 1.37mb
4 minute Mp3 hypermix of "Xmas Chortles 3".

My favourite moments from Xmas Chortles 3:-

Lay in a course for the main section and ENGAGE!